Tea Party willing to pass clean CR
in exchange for Malia Obama

According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly
feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations
through November 15 without any modifications to the Affordable
Care Act passed in 2010, including implementation of the individual
mandate and the much-maligned tax on medical devices, while Malia
Obama would legally fall under the protectorship of the Tea Party
caucus.

White House officials have declined to comment.

According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees
to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obama’s blood, a
ram’s horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon
House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill
could take place as early as Saturday.

“Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon
matters of greater import,” explained Tea Party Republican Justin
Amash of Michigan’s third district. “Preparations must be made. The
hour is nigh.”

While some political analysts argued the surprise
announcement suggests a weakening in resolve of the faction,
opening the door for further movement on their stance, several
Republican staffers have already indicated that the caucus will not
negotiate on their declared terms and that any attempts to
substitute Sasha for Malia will be fruitless.