by Brett Kate McKay
The
Art of Manliness

As we head
into our last week of this “Heading Out on Your Own” series, I’d
like to pause from our “harder,” more practical skills to talk about
a character trait, that, like
self-reliance, is both an important building block in your life’s
foundation, and, unfortunately, too often in short supply amongst
young men.

Being reliable.

The word reliable
has its origins in relier, Old French for “fasten”
or “attach;” the reliable man was an immovable pillar of strength
on which you could hang your hat, someone you could lean and depend
on, a man you could trust.

Compare that
image with its opposite: the flake. Floating, drifting, fragile.
Melting as soon as it meets any resistance.

We’ve all known
reliable men, and we’ve all known flakes. We admire the former,
and avoid the latter. To become the kind of man you’ve grown up
trusting and counting on, read on.

Why
Be Reliable?

“Only
recently a prominent public man was criticized throughout the
newspaper world as one not having enough character to keep his
promises. He had not the stamina to make good when to do so proved
difficult. He hadn’t the timber, the character fiber to
stand up and do the thing he knew to be right, and that he had
promised to do. The world is full of these jelly-fish people who
have not lime enough in their backbone to stand erect, to do the
right thing. They are always stepping into the spotlight in the
good-intention stage, and then, when the reckoning time comes,
taking the line of least resistance, doing the thing which will
cost the least effort or money, regardless of later consequences.
They think they can be as unscrupulous about breaking promises
as they were about making them. But sooner or later fate makes
us play fair or get out of the game.” –Orison Swett Marden,
Making
Life a Masterpiece, 1916

The
reliable man forges deeper relationships. Relationships
are built on trust; without it they wither and die. Being reliable
builds that trust – your friends and loved ones know that they can
count on you to keep your word, be there when you’ll say you’ll
be, and do what you say you’ll do. They can also feel secure that
you’ll be the same man day after day, no matter what happens. That
you won’t be capricious with your warmth, blanketing them with affection
one day and then withdrawing into prickly remoteness the next. That
you won’t sometimes be patient with their foibles, and other times
fly into a rage at the slightest provocation. Without this steady
reliability in your mood and behavior, your loved ones will begin
to withdraw from you, and feel they must walk on eggshells in your
presence.

The
reliable man receives greater opportunities. When people
see that you can be relied upon, they will give you more challenging
tasks and responsibilities that will in turn allow you to grow,
learn, and become a leader. A boss promotes the reliable employee
to higher positions; the professor offers research opportunities
to the reliable student; the team picks the reliable man as its
captain.

On the other
hand, the flakier a man is, the lower people’s expectations become
of him, and this easily becomes a self-perpetuating cycle, destining
him to stay a follower, a bit player in every sphere in which he
half-heartedly participates.

The
reliable man is given more freedom. The unreliable young
man must always be watched; he’s kept on a short leash. His boss
has to constantly look over his shoulder to make sure he’s doing
his job and hasn’t made another mistake. His parents check in on
him even after he’s left home to offer reminders to take care of
his car, thank his grandma for the birthday money, and make an appointment
with the dentist.

The reliable
young man receives much less supervision and is given greater responsibility
over his time. His boss, his parents, and everyone else knows that
if he is simply given the roughest outline of what needs to be done,
he’ll find a way to do it – and do it well — in his own way.

The
reliable man gains a reputation for integrity. The word
integrity is related to the roots of words like “integrate” and
“entire.” In Spanish it is rendered “integro,” meaning whole. Integrity
thus implies the state of being complete, undivided, intact, and
unbroken. Such a state contrasts with one that is scattered, fragmented,
and incomplete. When a man has a reputation for integrity, others
do not wonder what fragment of him they will get that day, and which
fragment they’ll be dealing with the next. They know he
is a rock of strength on which they can rely.

The
reliable man lives with confidence and a clear conscience.
In always doing his duty, keeping his promises, and fulfilling his
obligations, the reliable man is free from the pangs of regret that
haunt less dependable men. Not only can other people count on the
reliable man, he knows he can count on himself. This breeds the
courage and confidence he needs to take on greater challenges and
adventures.

The
reliable man leads a simpler life. When you’re the same
man each day in every situation, when you don’t have to think up
excuses for breaking your promises, when you don’t have to live
with the regret of letting others down, you can enjoy a type of
simplicity that goes way beyond decluttering your closet.

15
Maxims for Being a Reliable Man

“A
disregard of promises, finally, is like a fungus, which imperceptibly
spreads over the whole character, until the moral perceptions
are perverted, and the man actually comes to believe he does no
wrong, even in breaking faith with his warmest friends.”
– William Makepeace Thayer, Ethics
of Success, 1893

1.
Keep your promises. Being a man of your word: this is the
cornerstone of reliability. If you tell someone you’re going to
do something, and do it in X amount of time, you better move heaven
and earth to fulfill that promise. This is often easier said than
done because of the so-called “Yes…damn” effect: when looking ahead
to when a promise will need to be fulfilled, we predict we’ll have
more time in our schedule, and say yes….but when the day of reckoning
finally arrives — damn! — you’re just as busy as you
always were.

But even when
you don’t feel like doing something, even when more desirable opportunities
arise, you still have to make good on your word. Which is why you
should make such grudgingly fulfilled commitments extremely rare
by not overextending yourself, which brings us to our next point.

“Never
affect to be other than you are – either richer or wiser. Never
be ashamed to say, ‘I do not know.’ Men will then
believe you when you say, ‘I do know.’

Never be
ashamed to say, whether as applied to time or money, ‘I
cannot afford it.’ – ’I cannot afford to waste an hour
in the idleness to which you invite me – I cannot afford the guinea
you ask me to throw away.’

Learn to
say ‘No’ with decision, ‘Yes’ with caution;
‘No’ with decision whenever it resists a temptation;
‘Yes’ with caution whenever it implies a promise.
A promise once given is a bond inviolable.

A man is
already of consequence in the world when it is known that we can
implicitly rely upon him. I have frequently seen in life a person
preferred to a long list of applicants for some important charge,
which lifts him at once into station and fortune, merely because
he has this reputation – that when he says he knows a thing, he
knows it, and when he says he will do a thing, he does it.”
— Lord Bulwer Lytton, from the Inaugural Address of the
Lord Rector of the University of Glasgow, 1856

2.
Don’t overpromise. The promise of the reliable man is an
enormously valuable thing, since it will unswervingly be fulfilled.
For this reason, you will find yourself being asked by others to
take on more responsibilities and will be offered more opportunities
than the flake. Some of these will grant to you valuable chances
for growth, learning, and leadership. But some will simply overextend
you and take you further away from, not closer to, your goals and
priorities.

Thus, being
reliable does not mean saying yes to everyone — quite the
opposite. The reliable man must use great discretion when making
promises to others. The “yes…damn” effect has two main causes, 1)
an overly rosy forecast of how busy we’ll be at a future date, and
2) the desire to please others. To counteract these causes, you
should:

• Ask
  yourself whether you could do it tomorrow. If you feel like
  there’s no way you could do something tomorrow because you’re
  too busy, and you wouldn’t rearrange your schedule to make room
  for it, then you can bet that you won’t feel any differently a
  month from now, and will come to regret making the commitment.
• Double
  your estimate for how long you think it will take. Part of
  our overly optimistic forecast for the future is thinking an event
  or task will take less time than it actually will. When weighing
  whether to commit to something, double your knee-jerk estimate
  of how much time it will require of you, to make sure it will
  really fit in your schedule. Better to over deliver than
  over promise.
• Give
  yourself a day to think it over. It can be hard to say no
  in the moment — you’ll feel pressure to please the asker.
  So just tell them that you need to look over your schedule, and
  that you’ll get back to them the next day. This will give you
  time to really think it over instead of answering on impulse and
  regretting it later. If you decide to decline, it also usually
  gives you a chance to make the “no” less personal, by simply shooting
  them an email the following day.
• Learn
  how to say ‘no’ firmly but politely. This is one of the
  most important skills a young man can master. Don’t hedge your
  no with some “I’ll have to see’s,” and “maybe’s” — be direct
  and clear. We often feel like turning others down isn’t “nice,”
  but it’s much more impolite to commit to something, and then bow
  out later at the last minute, or to come, but to fulfill the commitment
  in a half-assed manner.

3.
Manage expectations. When you make a promise or take on
a job, be careful to be realistic about when and what you will deliver.
If you’re a salesman or a freelancer, you understandably want to
make the thing you’re offering seem enticing to attract customers
and clients. But inflated expectations can lead to big-time disappointment
— sinking your chances of repeat business with the current
client and damaging your reputation for potential future ones.

4.
Don’t leave other people hanging. If you do make a promise
that truly dire and unforeseen circumstances prevent you from fulfilling,
let the person know as soon as possible. Bite the bullet and don’t
wait until the last minute to tell them you can’t make it. If you’re
running late, call ahead to let the person you’re meeting know instead
of letting them wonder where you are.

Always strive
to be prompt in your responses to online communication as well.
Try your best to reply within 24-48 hours of receiving a text or
email, even if just to say, “I can’t give you an answer right now,
but will look into it, and get back to you as soon as I can,” or
“Got it. Will get to work!”

“You
are now a man, and I am persuaded that you must hold an inferior
station in life, unless you resolve, that, whatever you do, you
will do well. Make up your mind that it is better to
accomplish perfectly a very small amount of work, than to half
do ten times as much. What you do know, know thoroughly.“
— Sir Fowell Buxton, from a letter to his son

5.
Whatever you do, do it well. The maxim: “If something is
worth doing, it’s worth doing well,” has been around for a couple
of centuries, and is just as true today as it ever was. Do your
best work whether the task is fulfilling and important, or menial
and mindless. Some young men feel that it’s alright to half-ass
work when it’s a task that’s “beneath” them, saying that they’d
put in a real effort if the work was commensurate with their talents
and abilities. But it’s the man who takes pride in his work, whatever
it is, who moves ahead; he who cannot be trusted with little things,
will never be trusted with big things.

Read
the rest of the article

August
31, 2012

Copyright
© 2012 The Art of Manliness